[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
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Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.