*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
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Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]