DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
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why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,