Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
You Might Also Like
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.