[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
You Might Also Like
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
How all things should be taught/explained.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Meme Monday.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*