HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
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Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I don’t get marriage
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
decorating my apartment
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here