i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
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Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Van Gone
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years