“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
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wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
True?
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Make new friends? bro out of what?
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning: