I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
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Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.