Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
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Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?