her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
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Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Ferrari squats
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.