*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
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What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!