when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
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ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.