Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
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Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
This hospital has everything
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair