Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
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I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Not all heroes wear capes…
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.