We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
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Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
the battle rages on
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?