came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
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Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Oh we’ve met.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
This makes total sense…
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back