Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
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Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.