Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
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Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it