Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
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Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.