Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
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They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
multitasking lunch
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
This could be us but you eatin’
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.