My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
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Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Breaking news:
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
LMAO.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!