Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
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If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
seems fine
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—