*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
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This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
men, we mow at sunrise.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid