If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
You Might Also Like
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine