FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
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Who needs an Air Fryer?
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?