I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
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A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
How it started How it’s going
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
How all things should be taught/explained.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.