TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
You Might Also Like
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance