me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
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If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.