“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
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*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories