I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
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Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”