I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
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When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.