what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
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My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
This headline is a thing of beauty
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive