Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
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[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I have no passwords left in me
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Lassie, get help!
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.