Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
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Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I have no passwords left in me
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing