It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
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Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
😜
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.