Unimpressed
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aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed