My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
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Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.