if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
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If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Last-minute gift idea!