Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
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Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Who knew!
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Morning.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right