– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Good Morning.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
this country is so goddamn polarized
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.