[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
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No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life