[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
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I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone