I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
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Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Ah..makes sense now
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.