Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
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Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
me
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”