Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
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I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
My good tweets are in my other pants.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete