If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
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Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
look at me when i’m typing to you
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.