“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
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I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago