I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
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All is fair in drunk and war.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Sorry. Not sorry
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*