ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
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Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.